The Challenge
Balancing the demands and changed work schedule of a new position at a great company with my morning and evening responsibilities as a mom. With the loss of the morning drop off and evening pick up, the conversations with my baby girl are lost and I feel disconnected. She understands this is a great move for the family, but I feel we are losing touch and the guilt is making me second guess my choice.
– A.W.
The Advice
Since I know you and how devoted you are as a mom, I would encourage you to be more gentle with yourself. This is your new normal and your family will adapt. Try not to focus on what you are losing. Rather, think of the new special moments that you will be able to have with your daughter. For instance, dinner and bedtime connections might be your new things in addition to making your breaks and holidays extra special. I would just ruthlessly guard those times. That is what my husband does. Initially, it made him feel weird that I wouldn’t pick up the phone during during these times in order to guard them, but that’s our special family time. He “gets” it now. (It helps that we have an answering machine that you can hear the message. We just let our family & friends know to speak into the machine if it’s an emergency.)
Try to get rid of the guilt and not to second guess yourself. The great thing about choices – like the new position one that you made – is that they are not set in stone or sealed in blood. You can often make a new choice/change your job in the future if you find that it is detrimental to the health of your relationship with your husband and daughter. You might want to give yourself a time frame (perhaps 6 months to a year) to reevaluate and see how the new position is working out in regards to your career goals and family goals.
Lastly, I want to say that kids are more resilient than we think. If you continue to keep her love tank full, both of you will be just fine. Keep the lines of communication open and periodically ask her what she needs. You might be surprised by what will keep her tank full. (I remember when I was working crazy hours as a camp administrator. I was feeling all guilted out but my kids were totally fine. It turned out that if I pulled myself away from my work and gave each of them just 15 minutes of focused time doing what they wanted each day, then they were totally fine. I would have never known if I had not asked what they wanted.)
If you are a work outside of the home mom, do you have any other advice? I would love to hear it. Also, if you have a time management or work/life balance question, please let me know. I will be answering questions online each week. To have your question answered, please fill out this super short form.
P.S. If you haven’t already read The 5 Love Languages of Children, I highly recommend it. It is so helpful!