(You can read Part I here.)
Parents have been taught to focus their love and attention on the very behaviors that drive them crazy. They love their children into behaving badly, and then a doctor diagnoses them with a disorder and prescribes drugs! Children just want to grow up. At 2 and 3 years old their defiant behavior says “You are not the boss over me!” Being grownup is being caring towards others and taking disappointment calmly; it’s grownup to have self-control. And those are the behaviors you want to reward with your love and attention. Because it is your attention and love that your child wants!
Parents need to learn 3 important parenting skills:
1. Notice caring and social skill behaviors, such as putting toys away without being asked, sharing with a friend or sibling etc.
2. Praise that behavior. Not just “good job” but “You handled that like a big boy/girl. I’m so proud of you!”
3. Immediately follow the praise by doing something with your child that they enjoy.
Here is a concrete example of the method. Your three year old has a favorite pair of shoes. You’re in a hurry to get out the door and don’t have time to look for them. She says, “That’s OK Mommy, I can wear them tomorrow.” In the moment, you praise her patience and later that day you do 2 things:
1. You say: “I know how disappointed you were when you couldn’t find your shoes. I was so proud of you. You said ‘That’s OK Mommy, I can wear them tomorrow.’ You handled that like such a big girl!”
2. Then spend 5-l0 minutes of special time with your child.
Of course there are children who have serious problems that can not be resolved without intensive intervention and psychiatric medication but those cases are much rarer than parents think. What’s much more common is the perfectly normal child who has simply learned to misbehave because it’s an effective way for him/her to get what they want. It’s obvious that if children can win attention by being patient, kind and grown up they don’t need to have tantrums, throw things or hit. Children have enough common sense to figure this out. Parents can also rely on their common sense to figure out the same things.
But what about serious and destructive behavioral issues? What should you do when your child hits, bites, throws food or has a tantrum? Use Time Out. Many parents say, “I’m already using time out and it doesn’t work!” If you are “reasoning” with your child while they’re sitting in their time out corner, or if you’ve sent your child to their bedroom full of computer games, videos and toys “to think about their misdeeds” then you are not using a REAL Time Out.
We don’t spank our children anymore and that’s a good thing! But children need discipline and consequences. Time Out is a short-hand term for time-out from reinforcement, it is not a time to calm the child or for him or her to reflect on misdeeds but time away from mom and dad’s attention, away from the wonderful world of play and stimulation – nothing to look at, nothing to do, nothing to listen to and no one to talk to.
Children need discipline and consequences for out-of-control, or harmful behavior. Time out is often recommended but people rarely use it properly, which is why many people say it doesn’t work. Time-out is extremely effective when used properly.
A real time out is total nothingness for 3 – 4 minutes, regardless of age. Nothing to look at nothing to do and most importantly– NO PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT. No talking, discussing, explaining or lecturing. Remember a child craves your attention, so even yelling is preferable to no interaction at all. When a child hits or bites, immediately name it and say, “We do not bite our sister.” “We do not hit.” And put them in time out where there’s no stimulus. Soon the child will pair those words with the time out experience.
Parents can guide children to be helpful, kind and caring adults. That’s their job. It isn’t the job of doctors, pills or the pharmaceutical industry. It’s up to parents to “say no to drugs” and teach their children that life is meant to be learned and experienced – it’s not just a pill to be swallowed.